The valley of football death (read: baseball) was avoided this year. We had NBA playoffs well into June, then there was the Euro Cup, followed by a glorious summer games in London. Come August it's already my birthday, and the present I get myself every year is the NFL season being about a month away. I feel a little under prepared this year. Usually I suckle news from camp dry as googly dog teats, but you know...I was watching water polo and going to movies and stuff. But like the sweet, sweet collapse of the universe, football season arrives whether we're ready or not. Well, I guess I already shot my Olympics wad, so...let's do a movie thing, I guess?
I've broken it down into four tiers: The Academy Division houses this year's playoff contenders, Critic's Circle Division represents the quality teams on the outside looking in, Film School Division ranks the young and exciting risers in the NFL, then those relegated to the dank NFL basement are the Unwatchables.
Warning: This thing is littered with movie spoilers. Chock full.
The Academy Division: 49ers - North By Northwest
People insist this a masterpiece, but I don't get it. They'll cite the film's iconic sequences and the immortal Cary Grant as Roger O. Thornhill, but like the much ballyhooed 49ers defense, it's not enough. It's a great film, with good moments, but masterpiece is far off. I mean, especially with Hitchcock's whole other cannon around it? Am I a crazy person? I don't like the characters, and they don't seem capable of the depth required to survive a perilous hang off the face of Mount Rushmore. And isn't that really the Niners' problem? Alex Smith reeks of hapless New York ad exec pulled into a world of intrigue far outside of his capabilities. (Which makes Harbaugh-Hitchcock, Vernon Davis is Eva Marie Saint, and the D is British spymaster professor guy, the only one who has any idea what's really going on. Oh, and the specter of Joe Montana is far superior Hitchcock films.) 49ers fans will tell you Smith isn't the guy. Ask any of them. Grab a guy in the street in Niners gear, and unless it's Alex Smith's dad, they'll totally own it. "But that defense!" they'll exclaim, "and the crop duster scene?! Classic." By the end of North by Northwest, Roger Thornhill finds it within himself to rise to the occasion. As for the Niners, Alex Smith seems fated to remain another poor guy mistaken for something he is not.
Ravens - Fitzcarraldo/Burden of Dreams
Winning a Super Bowl is the equivalent of pulling a steamship over a jungle choked mountain. Werner Herzog makes films about obsession. The lengths people go for their obsessions and the destruction left in their wake comprises a significant piece of Herzog's films and artistic persona. He loves the way the madman hungers, because there is so much of that hunger in himself. There is no team hungrier to bring a Lombardi back to their city than the Baltimore Ravens, and one of the few teams apt to do so. They've come so close, and what they want is just over the rise, but this is the year they must finish the ascent. The Ravens have to channel their hunger into an obsession with its own momentum, incapable of failure. With T-Sizzle out for the time being, and the Ray Lewis/Ed Reed tandem another year older, Baltimore's young offensive stars will have to lead the headstrong charge. It's a tenuous hope as Flacco and Rice are inconsistent, and there have been no significant upgrades to the passing game. Fitzcarraldo has a (relatively) happy ending, and this feels like the last year this core group of Ravens can write that story. One of the fascinating things about the Fitzcarraldo is the accompanying documentary about the making of the film, Burden of Dreams. Werner Herzog actually dragged a steamship over a mountain in South America. It makes for fabulous cinema, but the realities of such ambition come at a tremendous cost. In this signature scene, Herzog is taken to the brink by the jungle. This peephole into the bleakest low of true obsession gives me pause: with all the pressure on him, can Joe Flacco overcome his moment mired in the jungle dark?
Packers - Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Terminator proved to us Sarah Connor--young, naive, topless--had the grit to go the distance. T2 finds Sarah as a hardened warrior ready, almost eager, for the machine uprising. ARodg discount double checked and aw-shucks-ed his way to a Super Bowl victory in 2010. Last season the Packers played like a title bound juggernaut, and then succumbed to a savage gut punch delivered by the soon-to-be-champion Giants. Personally, I hope Aaron Rodgers has been locked in the psych ward all summer doing chin-ups. I hope he walks onto the field in a black tank top, black cargo pants, and black combat boots with "No Fate" carved into his arm. The Pack has taken strides to upgrade their defense and I like the addition of Cedric "Runnin' for Money" Benson to their anemic run game, but it comes down to being tough (and sort of crazy). We already know the Pack has what it takes, but they have to uncover some greater depth after last year's defeat. It's been a shaky preseason in Green Bay, yet the Packers remain my (objective) Super Bowl pick. It will be a task fraught with peril, and the opponents are more badass than ever before, but if the Pack can find the gumption, at season's end we could be lowering Aaron Rodgers into the vat of molten steel as he hoists another Lombardi overhead.
Patriots -Audition Tape
Do you ever get the feeling sometimes in this life you just get satisfied? A little old and unfocused, unable to rekindle that gut gnawing drive of Super Bowls past? Who's to say, but I'm glad this exists as a certainty of 71 year old men dating 32 year old women.
Eagles -The Man Who Would Be King
The Man Who Would Be King is an adaptation of a Rudyard Kipling story starring Michael Caine and Sean Connery. It's a tale of two rouges with wide ambition. Through luck and savvy they ascend to power in a remote mountain kingdom largely on the false belief Connery's character is a god. Eventually, he is made king. As men go, he is soon taken with delusions of grandeur, and begins to plan his terrible reign. Caine's character--the awesomely named Peachy Carnahan--disgusted, wants to flee with treasure before the locals discover the truth. Against stern protest, the God-King chooses to stay and take a wife. The bride to be, afraid of the consequences of laying with a deity, bites him during their wedding ceremony to try and escape. Her bite draws this god's blood, and he is exposed as the mere mortal he is. Both men outed as the frauds they are, the brutal end is set in motion. The Eagles have immense talent, especially in star running back LeSean McCoy. DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are the sneaky best receiving corps in the NFL. But it all comes down to Andy Reid and Mike Vick. I think they are poised to dominate, win the NFC East, and make a deep playoff run, but as with all false kings, they are one reckless moment away from being totally exposed. One moment of hubris from the Man-God Michael Vick and the delusion of grandeur tumbles down. Sadly, tragic flaws are meant to be exposed, and with Vick it's an inevitability. After that, the only thing left is to find a shattered Andy Reid roaming India with Vick's still crowned skull, the only remnants of a once triumphant adventure.
Steelers - Louie Ep: Barney/Never
These pudgy old men will continue to do excellent work, and as a narrative certainty, come up unfulfilled. So much hinges on the relationship between Ben Roethlisberger and new offensive coordinator Todd Hailey. Using Louie's interaction with a weirdo boy from his daughter's school named Never--one of this season's transcendental moments--this is my best approximation:
EXT. Football Stadium - NIGHT
The stands are emptying. The few yellow and black clad denizens left in the stands look miserable. Ben and Todd sit on the sideline dejected after their Wild Card Playoff loss.
"Listen, Todd, I don't know what your deal is...but if you ever need to talk about anything..."
"Talk about what?"
"Well, you know, that's up to you. It doesn't matter. If you think of something you need to talk about--you might not--I'm just sayin'. You can talk to me."
"Nobody Likes me"
"Nope...No, they do not."
"Why?"
"Because you eat raw meat. And you shit in the tub. And you wreck...everything. And as long as you act like that, no one's gonna like you. No one's gonna wanna be around you."
"My mom says that any choice I make is okay because I love myself."
"Your...Your mom is wrong."
"I'm gonna tell her you said that."
"That's okay, you tell her. I'll take the heat."
Saints - Beasts of the Southern Wild
Parts Southern Gothic, and The NeverEnding Story, Beasts falls well short of its ambition. Great by reputation, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Clumsy art-house tropes try to cloud the absence of depth and condescending point of view, all passed off as the visions of a child. There is no question Quvenzhane Wallis is exceptional in the lead, but one person isn't enough to outshine all of the deficiencies around her. The Saints have no real coach. Drew Brees is an impeccable leader, but his greatness can only do so much. Outside of Darren Sproles, who are the skill position players? The defense has a scandal hanging overhead and a new coordinator at the helm. We're supposed to already believe the Saints are great, and there is unquestionable potential, but there's just not enough substance to be truly great.
Texans - Mermaids: The Body Found
Okay, so let me lay this crazy on you. One random Saturday night I watched this self-styled documentary about real Mermaids. From the get go, I could tell this was engineered from the kind of crazy only misguided Animal Planet execs could get behind. This two hour--yes, two of them--cable television epic has it all: Government cover-ups, disenfranchised NOAA scientists, terrible CGI renderings of everyday Mer-person struggles, flimsy anthropological evidence, and even more poorly constructed theories on evolution. If this had only included some speculation that blue whales are the remnants of the space giants who populated Earth and taught us math, it would be the most perfect thing ever aired on television. What makes M:TBF so special is the remarkable sincerity with which these actors sell this story. All interview style, they deploy "scientists," "sound engineers," "professors," "facial reconstruction experts," "rogue government agents" and their collective conviction is unparalleled. They should cancel this year's Daytime Emmy's, give this entire production team every award and show Mermaids: The Body Found on every channel for 24 hours straight. The best part? Sitting there the whole time thinking to yourself, "Wow. What a load of shit." Two good years in a row for the Houston 8-8's? Arian Foster has gone vegan? Wade Phillips is the top defensive coordinator in the NFL? Andre Johnson is 31 years old? It's all so bananas, all such a farce, you can't help but awe in their commitment to the belief.
Cowboys - High Noon
Can the beleaguered QB redefine his legacy? Can the retiring sheriff defend his town one last time? Can these men do what needs to be done even though no one will stand with them? Will Kane and Tony Romo are not perfect men. They have done things to let people believe the mission can't be won. At times both men have given up on themselves and withered from the moment. But every man has his time. When the clock struck noon, Will Kane took on his certain death and won. I believe in Tony Romo and the people he needs to be there (I'm staring so hard at you Dez) when it matters most. I want the Cowboys to stand up for themselves, guns blazing, no matter the overwhelming list of reasons it won't work. I want Tony on the wrong end of all kinds of adversity, hands perched over his pistols, and head held high. When the dust settles, the townspeople of NFL-ville will come out and see one man standing over his conquered foes. The doubters and nonbelievers may not recognize the silhouette as he casts his badge into the dirt, but it's no matter. He can ride out of town, square jaw jutting towards the sunset, with his dignity intact. In this fabulous scenario, is Tony Romo slumped over in an alley bleeding out, while the Cowboys' D cowers inside their homes, and Dez rides off with the Miller Gang? Maybe, but in this case, I'm sticking with the quiet guy who has worn his star with pride for a long time.
Lions - The Longest Yard (1974)
No extended analogy here, the Lions might literally have to string together a rag tag bunch of convicts to make a football team. And not to even by a total dick about it, I really believe they can win some games. These Lions are nasty, and if their potential can continue to solidify, they make be looking at more than a first round playoff exit. With Matthew "Just Enough Burt Reynolds In Me" Stafford and Megatron (if he can avoid the Madden curse) the offense should remain potent. I have mixed feelings about their running backs, but Brandon Pettigrew adds another much needed dimension. If the defense can mature, and act like it, the Lions could be poised to challenge the NFC guard. Get it, cause like, in the movie they play the prison guards? Whatever...
Chargers - No Country For Old Men
Checking in as the oldest team in the NFL and with Norv Turner still (still?! still.) at the helm, the Chargers hope for even hope must seem like a vague memory. If I was good at Internet, I'd just Jib-Jab Phillip Rivers' face onto this thing, but you'll have to use your imagination.
Bengals - Killer Of Sheep
Young, chaotic, and visionary, this film is unforgettable. So raw it aches with potential, this film is cut from pure feeling. A sensation above a cohesive narrative you have to enjoy this film despite its lack of direction. If you choose to watch, abandon the hope for a story complete with a satisfying ending, it's totally out of the question. Instead, relish in the moments of exhilaration, frustration, and confusion alike. Andy Dalton and AJ Green will produce some eye popping moments, so bold in their youth. The men on defense in Cincinnati will quietly go to work at the slaughterhouse every day. These Bengals will race toward their mediocrity with such bravura, they'll be the most hauntingly beautiful, yet unfulfilled, NFL team in recent memory. This collection of Bengals players is genuinely exciting, but Marvin Lewis is not enough to guide this potent talent to a better day. At the end of the film, during an apex you've felt subtly building since the beginning, you see an unflinching depiction of a sheep's slaughter. It's cruel, but it is part of the world's unkind necessities. Will Mike Brown finally let Marvin Lewis go? Well, as Dinah Washington's refrain echoes through Killer of Sheep and Bengals lore alike, "This bitter earth, what fruit it bears."
Critic's Circle Division: Giants - Barry Lyndon
Eventually you just have to acknowledge Barry Lyndon is a great film. Eli has (kicks hole in the wall) two Super Bowl rings. Barry Lyndon is a master's thesis on cinematography. Tom Coughlin out coached the immortal Bellichick for his two championships. Barry Lyndon is consistently acknowledged as one of the best films in Kubrick's cannon. This team, and their QB, are in the "great" team conversation. But no matter what, Barry Lyndon is still no fun to watch. It'll be remembered, but not for any exciting reasons. Yeah, NYG should be solid. Victor Cruz remains one of the most explosive offensive weapons in the NFL. The G-Men's defense, featuring Jason Pierre-Paul (who I fear like the devil), should be scary. And Eli's Barry Lyndon-like climb up the ladder of NFL lore--as charmed as it is inexplicable--will march on like Schubert's Piano Trio in E Flat. Lyndon's grim fate eventually settles in, but it's all too late. Lives have already been ruined. I hate everything.
Jets - A Simple Plan
By the end, all will be lost. The money useless, everyone dead, and Rex left alone to reflect on the wreckage of this broken dream. What a disaster. And before you ask, of course Tim Tebow is the dimwitted brother whose innocence is corrupted by the amoral whirlpool around him. J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!
Bears - A Clockwork Orange
I watched Clockwork Orange on the big screen this summer, and it occurred to me how cruel this film is. Little Alex isn't a character, he is a catalyst designed to expose every flaw in a broken society. No leadership. No moral sense. No hope for the future. Just a surly blond sociopath gleefully leading them all down the road to ruin. Try and fix him, and it will only break things more. And you know what, all of this makes me somehow love Clockwork Orange even more. How about a nice round of Moloko Vellocets for Jay Cutler and your 2012 Chicago Bears!
Falcons - The Invisible Man (1933)
I mean, seriously, would you have even noticed if I didn't write up the Falcons? Oh Matt Ryan and your middling existence, there was a time when you even had me fooled. Are we taking bets on when the invisibility drives Matty Ice murderously insane? I'm setting the line at Week 8 of the 2014 season.
Seahawks - Cool Hand Luke
Russell Wilson is all the buzz out of Seattle camp. He's shown remarkable athleticism and natural leadership, but he has an underlying fury that fascinates me. An intensity, that much like Luke, makes you believe he will be not be stopped. No matter the severity of the consequences, no matter the detriment to himself, he will not quit. Wilson seems like he's ready to go and go until his belly is distended and his jaw has to be manually worked to choke down one more hard boiled egg. He's got good guys around him in BesatMode and the quietly vicious Seahawks D, and Pete Carroll seems like the right coach, but can he take the strain? Can he handle the pressure of needing to be everyones messiah, fast? It cost Luke everything. Either way, I like Russ for at least one halftime confrontation where he throws his helmet on the ground, screams, "Stop feeding off me!" and tries to escape.
Broncos - Desperado
The much rumored gunslinger rolls into town nursing permanent wounds. But seeing as how this is the already the sequel, and there is a terrible third installment on the horizon, is there any real victory anymore? No matter how many bullets launched and bodies used, our aging shooter may just roam the high plains forever in search of something that's no longer out there. At least Desperado has the best shoot 'em up of the three. Go get 'em #18.
Film School Division: Panthers - The Warriors
Young, rambunctious, and with charismatic war chief Cam Newton at the helm, I like these Panthers' chances in the gauntlet of foes. There will be no shortage of intrigue, and even more moments of pure "what the hell kind of awesome did I just watch?" All nervous energy and laughable flaws, this team is going to be thrilling to watch. The Panthers won't sneak up on anyone. The word is out and teams will be coming for them. Some battles will end in retreat, some good men will be lost along the way, but this team can trade body blows with anybody. I don't think the Panthers are ready to make it all the way back to Coney Island, but they can go a lot further than people think. Can you dig it?
Colts - Being There
Have you ever needed a savior? Have you ever craved an answer so desperately you'll revise any hope until it's exactly what you want? Being There is a provocative meditation on the savior as a projection of what his followers want to hear. Chance is a simple gardener who utters banalities. The outside world transforms him into Chauncey Gardiner, master orator and philosophical visionary. I think Andrew Luck is a goober and mostly half-way great. Colts fans, and everyone else for that matter, seem to think he's the regular Mr. Jesus. Now is my comparison of Andrew Luck to a simp raised on television deified by forlorn and damaged people mean I think he'll be no good? No. If anything, Being There is about how Chauncey is so special because he doesn't yet know what he can't accomplish.
Titans/Buccaneers - The Outsiders
One of these teams will make an improbable run for their division title. You never know in advance when a movie is going to be filled with mega stars, but it always seems so obvious after the fact. What hits the box office as a sleeper with young talent emerges as a wellspring rich with a decade's worth of talent. The Titans have the look, especially with a solid D and CJ2K coming into the season almost invisible. The Bucs have a ton of talent that lost its way last year, and new coach Greg Schiano is said to have renewed their sense of purpose. I'm hedging my bets, but it's certain one of these young greasers will be ready to rumble. Uptight NFL Socs everywhere have been put on notice.
Dolphins - Hard Knocks
Every year Hard Knocks builds a certain goodwill around a team. As opposed to the few franchise players you're familiar with, the whole team gets a face. NFL Films uses their all seeing eye to capture the human element of every team. You learn to love a team as individuals, and so when the season starts, because there is one second string guard you think is hilarious, you're convinced this team will succeed. This is the first year of Hard Knocks where I've walked away with the exact opposite feeling. There is some foundational talent, but Joe Philbin is not a leader of men. Even as the series progressed, he became more unknowable, unlikable even. To his credit, Philbin appears to have a wonderful staff, but the man himself is the opposite of what you hope for in a head coach. Indecisive, awkward, and cold, it's clear why Philbin was a long time assistant. In this modern game, coaches still coach, but their role as a center pole for massive egos and tremendous pressure is equally important. Philbin is a great offensive innovator, but he's not a man you follow into battle. The Dolphins are building something, but the largest looming setback lingers at the top.
Redskins - Awakenings
Just when it seems like the cure has arrived, no matter how strong the dosage, you can't defeat the encephalitis lethargica induced catatonia. I weep for you already RGIII. Just like the patients given a brief escape from their hellish internal prison, learn to live that one moment. Live it forever.
Cardinals - The Great Escape
Am I saying playing for the Cardinals is like Nazi POW camp, and Larry Fitzgerald should desperately be trying to escape? No, but I am saying the Cards named John Skelton as their starting quarterback. Spoiler Alert: No one gets out alive.
The Unwatchables 2:
Let's just say...
Raiders - Dolph Lundgren Bills - Harry Crews Vikings - Jason Statham Browns - Randy Couture Chiefs - Chuck Norris Rams - Bruce Willis Jags - Liam Hemsworth
...for no particular reason except it's football season. And not even these ass clowns can take that away from us. We made it everybody! Hooray NFL!
