NFC North:
Green Bay Packers
Name the last champion who looked this poised to repeat. Since the Pats in 03-04, or what we all remember as the dark times, who has been this scary in the role of conquering hero?
In '05-'06 there was the Colts which...God forgive me, but we all knew that wasn't gonna happen. Then we had the Giants, who won the most important Super Bowl game since Super Bowl III. They forever saved the game of football in a quest my friends and I likened to Lord of the Rings. (Brady-Saruman, Belichick-Sauron, The Pat's D-The Nazgul, Peyton-Gandalf, Rivers-Frodo, and Eli-Samwise...a nickname used to this day. Oh...Goodell was Gollum) But everyone was rooting for the G-Men so hard, and their task so important, their stock was way overblown in the aftermath. Next, the Steelers, and then the first "r" incident happened with Big Ben, and it cast an eerie pallor over the Steelers season. The Saints won the next Super Bowl, and the celebration didn't stop until like week five of the 2010 season. They also managed to make every bad offseason personnel decision possible, so they came in to the season--errr--we'll call it "unfocused".
Now Green Bay. The NFL franchise larger than legend. The small market Hercules casting a shadow over even the largest NFL lore. A young quarterback, the kid chosen over a Packers icon, who looks to still be approaching the peak of his powers. It's a youth movement on both sides of the ball with just enough veteran leadership to keep the team hungry. Last year's team was good enough to bring the Lomabrdi back to Wisconsin. This year, the Pack get Jermichael Finley and Ryan Grant back from inujury, young and scary talent grown-up Green Bay style.
I hate to say it, but I'm intimidated. There appears to be a lot of fuel in the Aaron Rodgers greatness engine designed to erase the Brett Farve memory. If he can bring home back to back championships... Should his statue be at Lombardi's right hand like the Christ child? Can you retire the number of an active player? If he can do that, four might be a number in Green Bay history that just represents how many rings Aaron Rodgers wears.
Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings are now the half-way home for almost out of the league quarterbacks. After the grim end to the Brett Farve experiment--human drama on scale with a Greek tragedy--they've elected Donovan McNabb as signal caller.
This is a quarterback league, it's just a fact. I still believe a superior defense is what will win you the crown, but you have to have a QB that can make plays enough to hang up some Dub's in the regualr season. I've watched Donovan play for years. Donovan has dealt the death blow to the Cowboys more times than I care to count, one wound so deep, I swear to this day it killed my lady relations at the time. There is no question Donovan will be in the HOF conversation every year, and every year teeth will gnash when he doesn't get inducted. Donovan is a great quarterback, but 2005 was a long time ago, and at least an aging Farve came in to Minny with an "I got it done" moment on his resume.
Donovan has a unique advantage playing in Minnesota. 85% of his job is gonna be to hand the rock to Adrian Peterson, and the other 15% will be to dump the ball off to AD in the flat. It's a great gig, and where Donovan's athleticism is buried in an Eagles jersey somewhere under the Schuylkill Expressway, he's got veteran know-how for days. It would be foolish to write off the Vikings. I really like new head coach, and long time Viking assistant coach, Leslie Frazier. AD looks beastly. The Vikings D has somehow been overlooked, the most potent kind of fuel for a talented defense with something to prove. Then there is Donovan...
Last year, the emblem for the Vikings season was the crumbling stadium and the roof piled high with snow that finally gave way. This year, to look to Mall of America Field for inspiration, it's the story of the old patched up building with one last chance and no tomorrow. Donovan is not the quarterback of the future in Minny, and as with the Vikings expiring stadium, the end is nigh. No new stadium, perhaps no more Minnesota Vikings. No anointed franchise quarterback, perhaps not enough wins to garner a new stadium deal. So for now, the Vikings have to settle the matter between the hashes, and hope the old war bird still has a little magic left in her.
Chicago Bears
Do they have any real talent in Chicago? Is Jay "Fussy-Face" Cutler a good quarterback? Is Devin Hester really a multi-dimensional offensive threat? Are you sure you want the hamstring brothers, Matt Forte and Maionr Barber, even touching a football? Is Lovie Smith coach enough to anchor this band of dickish one trick ponies together? Does Mike Martz really really like Roy Williams that much?
Cutler has arm strength for days, and I don't begrudge him last year's NFC championship game, but he's a Grumpasaurus Rex. He may be a good leader, but he's still the emotional and mental equivalent of a twelve year old leading his BMX bicycle gang. You don't have to be charismatic to helm a football team, but you need to be a big boy. Devin Hester is an elite special teams player, and in turn an anti-elite wide receiver. My favorite moment of any fantasy draft is when someone hitches their wagon to that punt and kick return yards Hester star. Their roster spot should just read "future-waiver-wire-request". Lovie Smith has more wins than loses, but more signature losses than signature wins. Mike Martz and Roy Williams...actually, they're perfect for each other.
Every player in Chicago has a talent, and if those singular talents align like the corners of Jay Cutler's expressionless grimace, the Bears will win some football games. If this fast-learning league can turn these handful of individual talents against themselves, Detroit may finally earn that elusive honor of being the second-worst-last team in the black and blue division.
Detroit Lions
By now I'd imagine you've seen these new Chrysler commercials. The ones where a sleek black car slides through a hardened yet reignited Detroit looking to rebound from the scars of modern industries false promises. I really like them. The commercials feature Detroit's current and future stars and go a long way to defy the Detroit "shuttered storefront" image. It's an ad campaign focused around failure and rebirth. The story of a troubled city and her fate intertwined with a troubled industry. A tribute to the hope that even the deepest wounds can be overcome. As an added bonus, the new 300's look strong and reimagined and down right sexy. A gospel choir soars, the gritty hand held images of Detroit are intercut with vibrant citizens who refuse to succumb, and then they hit you with the tag "Imported from Detroit". The first time, I had to suppress an emotional response, but when those vague flashes of human feelings peel back, I mean...it's still a Chrysler.
There is a lot going for the Motown young talent jamboree. It's not quite Barry Gordy bringing David Ruffin into a little white house on Grand Blvd to record with the Temptations, but there is a lot to feel good about. The hellish Matt Millen era, a tyrannical reign that makes adjectives like Pol-Pot-esque seem kind, is finally over. A lot of young talent perished in the Millen-ing, but Marty Mayhew is here to set right what once went wrong. Ndamukong Suh is a defensive phenom. Calvin Johnson, or "Megatron," is grown man enough to shoulder one of the best nicknames in the NFL. I still don't think Stafford is the guy. He's talented, but his shoulder appears to be made out of baby kisses, and you've got to have more stank than that to make it in this league.
It's all high-fives and sunshine, right? Well...when you have to matchup with two of the NFL's top ten offensive talents four times a year, that doesn't help. The non-divisionals this year are the hyper-competitive NFC South and an improved AFC West. They still have to play the Cowboys every year who, no matter how bad the Boys are, they cant seem to beat. About the time Joe Buck, in his almost "I'm not at the game," delivery says "And here comes Shaun Hill," well...you Detroit fans know the rest of the story. I see six wins, and as long as the Detroit front office doesn't get all knee-jerky, there is a bright future in Detroit. Much improved, but...you know...it's still the Lions.
NFC bEast:
Philadelphia Eagles
You see that right there? It's a token gesture. F*ck the Eagles...really. If this was an organization with stones enough to win a Super Bowl, they would have done it already. Sure, I'm clearly way too biased to provide any impartial insights into the Iggs, but I do no know a thing or two about a team with too much talent.
As a whole, Adult Swim delivers the most inspired block of original programming on television. Yeah...HBO's got stuff, and AMC is trying super hard, but Adult Swim is the city on the hill. Superjail, Delocated, and Metalocalypse are three off the six shows I follow, and when I follow, I do it like a dude with a restraining order. The crown jewel in the Adult Swim's repertoire, Venture Bros., isthe most important my favorite show on television. That's a pretty heavy set of four original shows, but a few great programs isn't what sets Adult Swim apart. Good or bad--and there have been unspeakable crimes--they dare to take risks, and an unfettered creative effort reflects in the final product. There have been plenty of "weird for the sake of weird" arguments, with varying degrees of merit, but when the pure artistic endeavor shines through, it's brilliant. Brilliant in the way when that word used to mean something--a beacon.
So you have this amazing network, right? Then you hear that there is going to be a show with...Dudes from The State! And Rob Corrdry! And Henry Winkler! And Malin Akerman! And Megan Mullally! And shitloads of celebrity cameos! On paper, it's perfection. It's like a show that's been un-funny proofed. There could be no script, one hand held camera, and this cast, this collection of rouge comedy man-boy-god-children, could make comedy gold. Actual gold spun from hay like Rumpelstiltskin and Cartoon Network get's to charge by the minute. But instead, it's just...meh.
Meh is the only word for it. It's a deep and sorrowful meh, cut with potent ennui, but it's no better than a "meh". Oversold intention, too many wayward never-beens popping in for hollow cameos, unrealized ideas, a lack of direction, and most damning of all, it's not funny. The show is treacly and sigh inducing. It has nothing to do with the content--there may be no place funnier than a children's hospital--it's simply too much talent.
It's a strange, counter-intuitive phenomenon, but there is no cure. The '03-'04 Lakers, Ocean's 12, the '08 Cowboys, Beat the Devil, the '10-'11 Miami Heat. Go back and read the previous two paragraphs. Insert Jeff Lurie, Andy Reid, Battle Damage Vick, Nnamdi, Ronnie Brown, and Cullen Jenkins where appropriate, and ask yourself....is that it? Is this really going to be my boring prediction? As me and my roommate have come to oft quote, heads shaking, while Children's Hospital promos play, "Pssshhh...Just too much talent".
Dallas Cowboys
Hey Silver and Blue...it's me again.
Yeah, I know it's been awhile, but if you ask anyone I know, I talk about you all the time.
I'm just gonna come out and say it. Last year was tough. After a summer visit to Canton to see Emmitt go into the HOF and knowing our home super bowl was on the horizon, I expected too much. I know, I ran out on you for two weeks and I wasn't there when you needed me most. Do you think I wanted to find out about Tony in some Internet Cafe in Pondicherry? Of course not. But to come home and find you in that state with the Packers, face-down-ass-up, I was humiliated. The dream was dead.
Wade was gone the next morning. His lasting impression in my life? I gave a friend money for his wedding and it in some way contributed to his new HDTV. His thank you card featured a hand made picture of a Smurf taking Wade Phillips from behind. Thanks for all the memories, StayPuft. I hadn't felt this bad about a season in my entire life. Even the back to back 5-11 seasons had some continuity and there were memories of Super Bowl glory clear in our minds. (Cause Cowboys fans do not live in the past) This team wasn't supposed to suck. This was our champion and the fall wasn't even heroic enough to be a tragedy. No focus, no discipline, not even a scintilla of grit. I need to say it. You hurt me. In a real way. But I want the healing to begin.
You know what I realized the other day? 20 years me and you. Yup...you've been in my life for two decades and we'll make this thing work. Cause that's what a you-and-me do. You've made some tough choices. Marion wore The Star with pride and well...I don't think we need to talk about this whole Roy Williams thing. It's in the past, and we're moving forward together. Order and discipline seem to be the call of the day at Valley Ranch. This year's draft was savvy if no sexy. Look, I know Jerry is...he's Jerry, but I believe you've changed. I really think things are gonna be different this time.
We've learned so much. There has been so much growth as we continue on our journey. As tough as times get, there is no obstacle that could ever drive us apart. I probably sound like a mixed up kid wearing his Dallas Cowboys 1992 Super Bowl Championship tee for the first time, but I couldn't think of my life without you. Because after all these years I've come to realize, I'm glad I just get to watch you play. Oh, and no pressure...but I've got my on #88 colored glasses and I'm looking to anoint a certain red-head head coach "future legend". Here's to twenty more years.
+always and forever
New York Giants
Somewhere between a shoulder shrug and a knee-jerk reaction, the Giants might destroy themselves this year. It's a strange era of "win now" football when a coach and a quarterback who won a Super Bowl together less than four years ago are perpetually on the hot seat. The G-Men have had some tough years since the big win, but the real problem when the Giants lose, is they lose ugly.
Ask a casual fan what Giant's game they remember from last year, and I'd wager Osi Umenyiora's non-existent contract that they'd mention the Eagle's 28 point come back with eight minutes left in the game. It was a like train wreck having a feverish nightmare. These moments alone are enough to tear a franchise's guts out. To compound the problem, NYG fans have to live through these moments, look on the sideline, and find Eli with his left hand hooked in his shoulder pads, mouth agape, doing his weird shoulder-shrug-tick thing.
It's maddening, I know. My quarterback wears a backwards baseball cap, but lest the Jints fans and front office forget...this is a quarterback and coach that won a Super Bowl together four years ago! Not just any Super Bowl mind you, but a Super Bowl they had no business winning. A game that will be regarded as a great American classic for all time. The story of Super Bowl XLIV will be a Disney movie someday. A victory like that doesn't buy a coach and QB a lifetime, but it would be an interesting comment on the state of the modern game if it only bought a coach four more years, a stint that includes another playoff run and a divisional title.
Revisionist history is this sort of magic salve that can gloss over even the closest memories. In the Giants run to SB XLIV, they were the most unimpressive ten win team I've ever seen, yet they got it done. I'm not sure how the Giants being just sucky enough to be great has been clouded by this notion they are a gridiron juggernaut being destroyed by Tom and Eli, but these are the slings and arrows of round the clock sports in a large media market.
This year is gonna be tough. The Giants' secondary is decimated and their offensive line is in transition, and it could possibly spell the end for Coughlin. Personally, I trust the Mara's slightly more than that, but if it all goes down, what an alarming precedent. It's not that I care. I'm not invested in the Giants doing well, but who would they rather have as head coach? It doesn't really matter, and it may not be this year, but what a strange and sad day in the NFL when winning cures everything but winning.
Washington Redskins
Oh...there's still a team in DC? Woof!
What else do you want me to say? When the headlines out of Washington are "Grossman to start over Beck," and "Santana Moss signed to a three year deal at 15 million," you expect me to take that seriously?
Ugh. Daniel Snyder you just keep on digging. God bless your stupid face.
NFC South:
New Orleans Saints
For my money, or my friend who paid for NFL Sunday ticket's money, I think the NFC South is far and away the most compelling division in the NFL this year. The South is comprised of a recent Super Bowl champion, two teams helmed by young, and special, quarterback talent, and Carolina is home to the Cam Newton experiment or what we'll refer to as "Who wants Ron Rivera to be their defensive coordinator?"
Brees is like a rock, and I think he's poised for a good year. In a personal aside, he's an Austin kid made good and he owns a Jimmy Johns franchise. I also like how much he talks shit to the man. He did some grade 'A' jawing during the lockout. Solid Dude. Sean Payton is a dynamic leader and ranks among the best coaches in the NFL. Men of this caliber in those critical positions, I think New Orleans can overcome the lack of impact talent. I really don't like the depth at receiver. Between Moore's hammy, Meacham's ankle, and old glass tendons Colston there is like one functioning leg in that WR corps. Other than Jimmy Graham, a TE with breakout potential, it's hard to tell who is going to score points for Saints. New Orleans' secret salvation this year will have to be the run game.
Pierre Thomas might be the most underrated back in the NFL. The last three years, behind Reggie Bush and out with injury, he's gone for almost 2500 combined yards and 22 touchdowns. Wee-ow. With Bush out of the way, he could have a great year. He had some crazy ankle problems last year, but he's very quietly one of the most reliable backs around. Darren Sproles is a huge x-factor, as he's what Reggie Bush would be, if he were talented. Also, if this much ballyhooed Mark Ingram--whose convict father is pen pals with Suzy Kolber--can deliver the goods, the Saints could be deadly.
The games in this division could come down to a handful of possessions and for now I'm putting my money on #9. If these teams can rise to the occasion, the NFC South could hang in the balance until the end of the season. Brees has proven he can do more in these moments with even less talent. I think the Saints will win this division, but a play here and a breakout young star there, the race is wide open.
Hooray. Hooray for football.
Atlanta Falcons
Is this whole Matt Ryan thing starting to whiff of Peyton-esque? Since day one, he's been preened to be a number one draft pick, and he plays like one. Matt Ryan's first NFL possession was a touchdown pass. He took a shell shocked Falcons franchise and erased the ugly memories of the Michael Vick dogfighting scandal. Since taking over at quarterback, Matt Ryan has averaged 3354 passing yards per season, and each year he's thrown six more touchdowns than the year before. (16, 22, 28...crazy, right?) He has lead the Falcons to one division title, and two playoff appearances. Matty Ice has a bunch of neat merit badges on his sash, but much like Sheriff Manning before him, the big moment eludes him.
Lemme lay some real shit on you. Peyton made the playoffs two of his first three years in the league and lost in the first round both attempts. Matt Ryan, like some tiny carbon copy, has followed that exact path. They are both super white and toothy and dangerous football minds. I'm not saying Matt will do as well as Peyter. Manning's body of work is untouchable. Though I will say with confidence, this is the last year that Matt Ryan will escape the first round of you fantasy draft...or, if you've gotten you shit together, he'll be a 25% of your budget prospect. If he doesn't play all 16 games, pass for 4000+ yards, and make the playoffs, I'll hire Mike Smith...who is not the guy. He's the Mora to Peyton's Dungy. And to revisit this flimsy and protracted analogy, I don't think he'll win that playoff game.
Yes. Peyton got his. It was an Odyssean effort, and Super Bowl XLI is no great American classic. Look, my guy is the realness, but the Colts have lost seven of their first round playoff games under Peyter in eleven attempts. I'm not saying anything, but I'm just saying. Right now Ryan seems to be of that same make. They are football mortals. They represent the best of the game, but that are bound to their flaws. It's a beautiful dynamic. All those years I referred to Peyton Manning as the poor man's Y.A. Tittle, it wasn't a dig that he lacked a championship. It's that he was a hard worker and tough leader...without a championship. It's not your time yet Matthew Ryan. I need to see you throw away a couple of 13-3 seasons first. But someday, when you're all growns up, you can be as human as YA Tittle, too.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I've been trying to put together a rational idea for why I love this team so much, but that's what it is. It's irrational. They are the new badasses of NFL High School. The Steelers and Ravens are just scary and mean. The Pats are total snobs, and I'm not into that shit. The Colts are down, but I don't wanna spend all of my time in the FFA parking lot. The Raiders are like those weird skeevy dudes you score shit from, but that's not...that's not a true friend. The Cowboys are like the worst of the douche bag rich kids, but, uh....five Super Bowls, bitches. The Buccaneers? They're the lost boys from Hook, and I wish I could be their friend.
Josh Freeman, total Rufio, is the leader of this rag-tag bunch of kids out to challenge the old guard. They're scoring touchdowns. They're winning games. They just don't give. a. fuck. The Buccs laid bets on an unsafe number of risky prospects, including 34 year old head coach Raheem Morris, and got paid out in platinum bricks of swag. The first year was brutal. Now, they have a badass tree fort filled with swashbucklers. Tampa went from a three win season to a ten win season and still missed the playoffs. Raheem Morris calls the condition "Yongry".
It took a couple of clicks to find, and I know it's like four minutes long, but this clip embodies everything I want to say about the Bucc's season this year. It's something about high expectations, invisible food, a little imagination, and becoming a better person...but to be honest, part of me just hopes this is what meal time is like in Tampa every night. Bangarang!
Carolina Panthers
Two high draft picks in as many years used on quarterbacks. A new coach who learned the 3-4 from Wade Phillips and came out Norv Turner's coaching tree. An owner, one of the most powerful in the NFL, who will do anything to help himself win and almost nothing to help his team win. It's starting to read like the voice over to this fall's madcap yet feel good sports movie, but I don't think a cardboard cut-out of a naked Jerry Richardson is enough to pull this shit sandwich together.
Cam Newton is not smart enough to figure out how to make his gifts work in the NFL. Being an athletic freak is simply not enough. In fact, Vince Young's zombified football corpse does a ten-part lecture series on the topic at Philly's community college. Ron Rivera is a hack. His most famous pupil was outed as a juicer whose talent disappeared in lock step with each future drug test. Jerry Richardson feasted for years on the chicken salad that John Fox and Matt Delhomme made from chicken shit. Now, he's scrambling to find a "get" and it makes me wonder if he's handed down the decision to start Cam Newton just to put asses in seats.
I'd be satisfied to wish for the worst in Carolina this year, but my heart breaks for Steve Smith. He's a wonderful talent and hard worker and the sort of hopeless head case that makes my heart whimper. I wish he could find a better day, or that the Panthers would end their ceaseless punishment for his hard work and release him, but that's not how this story goes. It'll be one more wasted year in Carolina, and somewhere, James Taylor plays a song that my beloved Steve Smith would cry himself to sleep to every night. And not in a good way, in that like ironic/suicide note way.
NFC West:
I'll do ten thoughts and no more because I hate this division with my whole heart.
1) The Rams shit the bed less than everyone else this season adn win the division. Congrats. Also, "shit the bed less than everyone else," should be the phrase on the NFC West's family crest.
2) I can't believe the Eagles got to pull the old bait-and-Cassel on the Cards. Sure, Kevin Kolb was one auspicious start away from his first auspicious start, but Michael Vick was a revelation, so surely he's a blue chip. That logic is air tight.
3) I think Sam Bradford is a hot house flower. You look in his past, and when the lights shine bright, this tulip is wiltin'.
4) Seattle and San Francisco know they both can't have Andrew Luck, right?
5) I mean...but Tavaris Jackson and Alex Smith. What the f*ck is that? It has to be against the rules to try and lose on purpose.
6) Danny Amendola! A division is only as good as it's shiftiest shifty white guy. Congrats NFC West, you've taken one step in the right direction.
7) $21 Million for a sixth year running back who has played one complete season in his entire career is like wifing a 20,000 scene pornstar and then insisting she decides the terms of the pre-nup. I swear, the 49ers are breaking there necks to be the worst team in the NFL. Don't over sell it, we want to try to not believe it's true.
8) You wanna know how much TV I watch? SJax has a Dick's Sporting Goods commercial that totally rips an idea from a local grocery store ad starring Tim Duncan. I won't link to it because I'm embarrassed that I know this, but you know....it's the NFC West the rest of the way out...I've gotta find something to talk about.
9) Or the number of wins the division champion might aspire to this year, a lofty aspiration it is indeed, but more realistically, the number of losses the division champ can have and still make the playoffs.
10) L Fitz got paid! Enjoy being the best player in the worst division for the next five years. And who says there are no moral victories?
All that being said, it's still football time and not even the NFC West can take that away from us. Grab your friends, ignore your families, drink before Noon. Life is worth living again, and I don't want Bart Scott's image management people to come after me, but I can't wait. Happy football everyone!
Name the last champion who looked this poised to repeat. Since the Pats in 03-04, or what we all remember as the dark times, who has been this scary in the role of conquering hero?
In '05-'06 there was the Colts which...God forgive me, but we all knew that wasn't gonna happen. Then we had the Giants, who won the most important Super Bowl game since Super Bowl III. They forever saved the game of football in a quest my friends and I likened to Lord of the Rings. (Brady-Saruman, Belichick-Sauron, The Pat's D-The Nazgul, Peyton-Gandalf, Rivers-Frodo, and Eli-Samwise...a nickname used to this day. Oh...Goodell was Gollum) But everyone was rooting for the G-Men so hard, and their task so important, their stock was way overblown in the aftermath. Next, the Steelers, and then the first "r" incident happened with Big Ben, and it cast an eerie pallor over the Steelers season. The Saints won the next Super Bowl, and the celebration didn't stop until like week five of the 2010 season. They also managed to make every bad offseason personnel decision possible, so they came in to the season--errr--we'll call it "unfocused".
Now Green Bay. The NFL franchise larger than legend. The small market Hercules casting a shadow over even the largest NFL lore. A young quarterback, the kid chosen over a Packers icon, who looks to still be approaching the peak of his powers. It's a youth movement on both sides of the ball with just enough veteran leadership to keep the team hungry. Last year's team was good enough to bring the Lomabrdi back to Wisconsin. This year, the Pack get Jermichael Finley and Ryan Grant back from inujury, young and scary talent grown-up Green Bay style.
I hate to say it, but I'm intimidated. There appears to be a lot of fuel in the Aaron Rodgers greatness engine designed to erase the Brett Farve memory. If he can bring home back to back championships... Should his statue be at Lombardi's right hand like the Christ child? Can you retire the number of an active player? If he can do that, four might be a number in Green Bay history that just represents how many rings Aaron Rodgers wears.
Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings are now the half-way home for almost out of the league quarterbacks. After the grim end to the Brett Farve experiment--human drama on scale with a Greek tragedy--they've elected Donovan McNabb as signal caller.
This is a quarterback league, it's just a fact. I still believe a superior defense is what will win you the crown, but you have to have a QB that can make plays enough to hang up some Dub's in the regualr season. I've watched Donovan play for years. Donovan has dealt the death blow to the Cowboys more times than I care to count, one wound so deep, I swear to this day it killed my lady relations at the time. There is no question Donovan will be in the HOF conversation every year, and every year teeth will gnash when he doesn't get inducted. Donovan is a great quarterback, but 2005 was a long time ago, and at least an aging Farve came in to Minny with an "I got it done" moment on his resume.
Donovan has a unique advantage playing in Minnesota. 85% of his job is gonna be to hand the rock to Adrian Peterson, and the other 15% will be to dump the ball off to AD in the flat. It's a great gig, and where Donovan's athleticism is buried in an Eagles jersey somewhere under the Schuylkill Expressway, he's got veteran know-how for days. It would be foolish to write off the Vikings. I really like new head coach, and long time Viking assistant coach, Leslie Frazier. AD looks beastly. The Vikings D has somehow been overlooked, the most potent kind of fuel for a talented defense with something to prove. Then there is Donovan...
Last year, the emblem for the Vikings season was the crumbling stadium and the roof piled high with snow that finally gave way. This year, to look to Mall of America Field for inspiration, it's the story of the old patched up building with one last chance and no tomorrow. Donovan is not the quarterback of the future in Minny, and as with the Vikings expiring stadium, the end is nigh. No new stadium, perhaps no more Minnesota Vikings. No anointed franchise quarterback, perhaps not enough wins to garner a new stadium deal. So for now, the Vikings have to settle the matter between the hashes, and hope the old war bird still has a little magic left in her.
Chicago Bears
Do they have any real talent in Chicago? Is Jay "Fussy-Face" Cutler a good quarterback? Is Devin Hester really a multi-dimensional offensive threat? Are you sure you want the hamstring brothers, Matt Forte and Maionr Barber, even touching a football? Is Lovie Smith coach enough to anchor this band of dickish one trick ponies together? Does Mike Martz really really like Roy Williams that much?
Cutler has arm strength for days, and I don't begrudge him last year's NFC championship game, but he's a Grumpasaurus Rex. He may be a good leader, but he's still the emotional and mental equivalent of a twelve year old leading his BMX bicycle gang. You don't have to be charismatic to helm a football team, but you need to be a big boy. Devin Hester is an elite special teams player, and in turn an anti-elite wide receiver. My favorite moment of any fantasy draft is when someone hitches their wagon to that punt and kick return yards Hester star. Their roster spot should just read "future-waiver-wire-request". Lovie Smith has more wins than loses, but more signature losses than signature wins. Mike Martz and Roy Williams...actually, they're perfect for each other.
Every player in Chicago has a talent, and if those singular talents align like the corners of Jay Cutler's expressionless grimace, the Bears will win some football games. If this fast-learning league can turn these handful of individual talents against themselves, Detroit may finally earn that elusive honor of being the second-worst-last team in the black and blue division.
Detroit Lions
By now I'd imagine you've seen these new Chrysler commercials. The ones where a sleek black car slides through a hardened yet reignited Detroit looking to rebound from the scars of modern industries false promises. I really like them. The commercials feature Detroit's current and future stars and go a long way to defy the Detroit "shuttered storefront" image. It's an ad campaign focused around failure and rebirth. The story of a troubled city and her fate intertwined with a troubled industry. A tribute to the hope that even the deepest wounds can be overcome. As an added bonus, the new 300's look strong and reimagined and down right sexy. A gospel choir soars, the gritty hand held images of Detroit are intercut with vibrant citizens who refuse to succumb, and then they hit you with the tag "Imported from Detroit". The first time, I had to suppress an emotional response, but when those vague flashes of human feelings peel back, I mean...it's still a Chrysler.
There is a lot going for the Motown young talent jamboree. It's not quite Barry Gordy bringing David Ruffin into a little white house on Grand Blvd to record with the Temptations, but there is a lot to feel good about. The hellish Matt Millen era, a tyrannical reign that makes adjectives like Pol-Pot-esque seem kind, is finally over. A lot of young talent perished in the Millen-ing, but Marty Mayhew is here to set right what once went wrong. Ndamukong Suh is a defensive phenom. Calvin Johnson, or "Megatron," is grown man enough to shoulder one of the best nicknames in the NFL. I still don't think Stafford is the guy. He's talented, but his shoulder appears to be made out of baby kisses, and you've got to have more stank than that to make it in this league.
It's all high-fives and sunshine, right? Well...when you have to matchup with two of the NFL's top ten offensive talents four times a year, that doesn't help. The non-divisionals this year are the hyper-competitive NFC South and an improved AFC West. They still have to play the Cowboys every year who, no matter how bad the Boys are, they cant seem to beat. About the time Joe Buck, in his almost "I'm not at the game," delivery says "And here comes Shaun Hill," well...you Detroit fans know the rest of the story. I see six wins, and as long as the Detroit front office doesn't get all knee-jerky, there is a bright future in Detroit. Much improved, but...you know...it's still the Lions.
NFC bEast:
Philadelphia Eagles
You see that right there? It's a token gesture. F*ck the Eagles...really. If this was an organization with stones enough to win a Super Bowl, they would have done it already. Sure, I'm clearly way too biased to provide any impartial insights into the Iggs, but I do no know a thing or two about a team with too much talent.
As a whole, Adult Swim delivers the most inspired block of original programming on television. Yeah...HBO's got stuff, and AMC is trying super hard, but Adult Swim is the city on the hill. Superjail, Delocated, and Metalocalypse are three off the six shows I follow, and when I follow, I do it like a dude with a restraining order. The crown jewel in the Adult Swim's repertoire, Venture Bros., is
So you have this amazing network, right? Then you hear that there is going to be a show with...Dudes from The State! And Rob Corrdry! And Henry Winkler! And Malin Akerman! And Megan Mullally! And shitloads of celebrity cameos! On paper, it's perfection. It's like a show that's been un-funny proofed. There could be no script, one hand held camera, and this cast, this collection of rouge comedy man-boy-god-children, could make comedy gold. Actual gold spun from hay like Rumpelstiltskin and Cartoon Network get's to charge by the minute. But instead, it's just...meh.
Meh is the only word for it. It's a deep and sorrowful meh, cut with potent ennui, but it's no better than a "meh". Oversold intention, too many wayward never-beens popping in for hollow cameos, unrealized ideas, a lack of direction, and most damning of all, it's not funny. The show is treacly and sigh inducing. It has nothing to do with the content--there may be no place funnier than a children's hospital--it's simply too much talent.
It's a strange, counter-intuitive phenomenon, but there is no cure. The '03-'04 Lakers, Ocean's 12, the '08 Cowboys, Beat the Devil, the '10-'11 Miami Heat. Go back and read the previous two paragraphs. Insert Jeff Lurie, Andy Reid, Battle Damage Vick, Nnamdi, Ronnie Brown, and Cullen Jenkins where appropriate, and ask yourself....is that it? Is this really going to be my boring prediction? As me and my roommate have come to oft quote, heads shaking, while Children's Hospital promos play, "Pssshhh...Just too much talent".
Dallas Cowboys
Hey Silver and Blue...it's me again.
Yeah, I know it's been awhile, but if you ask anyone I know, I talk about you all the time.
I'm just gonna come out and say it. Last year was tough. After a summer visit to Canton to see Emmitt go into the HOF and knowing our home super bowl was on the horizon, I expected too much. I know, I ran out on you for two weeks and I wasn't there when you needed me most. Do you think I wanted to find out about Tony in some Internet Cafe in Pondicherry? Of course not. But to come home and find you in that state with the Packers, face-down-ass-up, I was humiliated. The dream was dead.
Wade was gone the next morning. His lasting impression in my life? I gave a friend money for his wedding and it in some way contributed to his new HDTV. His thank you card featured a hand made picture of a Smurf taking Wade Phillips from behind. Thanks for all the memories, StayPuft. I hadn't felt this bad about a season in my entire life. Even the back to back 5-11 seasons had some continuity and there were memories of Super Bowl glory clear in our minds. (Cause Cowboys fans do not live in the past) This team wasn't supposed to suck. This was our champion and the fall wasn't even heroic enough to be a tragedy. No focus, no discipline, not even a scintilla of grit. I need to say it. You hurt me. In a real way. But I want the healing to begin.
You know what I realized the other day? 20 years me and you. Yup...you've been in my life for two decades and we'll make this thing work. Cause that's what a you-and-me do. You've made some tough choices. Marion wore The Star with pride and well...I don't think we need to talk about this whole Roy Williams thing. It's in the past, and we're moving forward together. Order and discipline seem to be the call of the day at Valley Ranch. This year's draft was savvy if no sexy. Look, I know Jerry is...he's Jerry, but I believe you've changed. I really think things are gonna be different this time.
We've learned so much. There has been so much growth as we continue on our journey. As tough as times get, there is no obstacle that could ever drive us apart. I probably sound like a mixed up kid wearing his Dallas Cowboys 1992 Super Bowl Championship tee for the first time, but I couldn't think of my life without you. Because after all these years I've come to realize, I'm glad I just get to watch you play. Oh, and no pressure...but I've got my on #88 colored glasses and I'm looking to anoint a certain red-head head coach "future legend". Here's to twenty more years.
+always and forever
New York Giants
Somewhere between a shoulder shrug and a knee-jerk reaction, the Giants might destroy themselves this year. It's a strange era of "win now" football when a coach and a quarterback who won a Super Bowl together less than four years ago are perpetually on the hot seat. The G-Men have had some tough years since the big win, but the real problem when the Giants lose, is they lose ugly.
Ask a casual fan what Giant's game they remember from last year, and I'd wager Osi Umenyiora's non-existent contract that they'd mention the Eagle's 28 point come back with eight minutes left in the game. It was a like train wreck having a feverish nightmare. These moments alone are enough to tear a franchise's guts out. To compound the problem, NYG fans have to live through these moments, look on the sideline, and find Eli with his left hand hooked in his shoulder pads, mouth agape, doing his weird shoulder-shrug-tick thing.
It's maddening, I know. My quarterback wears a backwards baseball cap, but lest the Jints fans and front office forget...this is a quarterback and coach that won a Super Bowl together four years ago! Not just any Super Bowl mind you, but a Super Bowl they had no business winning. A game that will be regarded as a great American classic for all time. The story of Super Bowl XLIV will be a Disney movie someday. A victory like that doesn't buy a coach and QB a lifetime, but it would be an interesting comment on the state of the modern game if it only bought a coach four more years, a stint that includes another playoff run and a divisional title.
Revisionist history is this sort of magic salve that can gloss over even the closest memories. In the Giants run to SB XLIV, they were the most unimpressive ten win team I've ever seen, yet they got it done. I'm not sure how the Giants being just sucky enough to be great has been clouded by this notion they are a gridiron juggernaut being destroyed by Tom and Eli, but these are the slings and arrows of round the clock sports in a large media market.
This year is gonna be tough. The Giants' secondary is decimated and their offensive line is in transition, and it could possibly spell the end for Coughlin. Personally, I trust the Mara's slightly more than that, but if it all goes down, what an alarming precedent. It's not that I care. I'm not invested in the Giants doing well, but who would they rather have as head coach? It doesn't really matter, and it may not be this year, but what a strange and sad day in the NFL when winning cures everything but winning.
Washington Redskins
Oh...there's still a team in DC? Woof!
What else do you want me to say? When the headlines out of Washington are "Grossman to start over Beck," and "Santana Moss signed to a three year deal at 15 million," you expect me to take that seriously?
Ugh. Daniel Snyder you just keep on digging. God bless your stupid face.
NFC South:
New Orleans Saints
For my money, or my friend who paid for NFL Sunday ticket's money, I think the NFC South is far and away the most compelling division in the NFL this year. The South is comprised of a recent Super Bowl champion, two teams helmed by young, and special, quarterback talent, and Carolina is home to the Cam Newton experiment or what we'll refer to as "Who wants Ron Rivera to be their defensive coordinator?"
Brees is like a rock, and I think he's poised for a good year. In a personal aside, he's an Austin kid made good and he owns a Jimmy Johns franchise. I also like how much he talks shit to the man. He did some grade 'A' jawing during the lockout. Solid Dude. Sean Payton is a dynamic leader and ranks among the best coaches in the NFL. Men of this caliber in those critical positions, I think New Orleans can overcome the lack of impact talent. I really don't like the depth at receiver. Between Moore's hammy, Meacham's ankle, and old glass tendons Colston there is like one functioning leg in that WR corps. Other than Jimmy Graham, a TE with breakout potential, it's hard to tell who is going to score points for Saints. New Orleans' secret salvation this year will have to be the run game.
Pierre Thomas might be the most underrated back in the NFL. The last three years, behind Reggie Bush and out with injury, he's gone for almost 2500 combined yards and 22 touchdowns. Wee-ow. With Bush out of the way, he could have a great year. He had some crazy ankle problems last year, but he's very quietly one of the most reliable backs around. Darren Sproles is a huge x-factor, as he's what Reggie Bush would be, if he were talented. Also, if this much ballyhooed Mark Ingram--whose convict father is pen pals with Suzy Kolber--can deliver the goods, the Saints could be deadly.
The games in this division could come down to a handful of possessions and for now I'm putting my money on #9. If these teams can rise to the occasion, the NFC South could hang in the balance until the end of the season. Brees has proven he can do more in these moments with even less talent. I think the Saints will win this division, but a play here and a breakout young star there, the race is wide open.
Hooray. Hooray for football.
Atlanta Falcons
Lemme lay some real shit on you. Peyton made the playoffs two of his first three years in the league and lost in the first round both attempts. Matt Ryan, like some tiny carbon copy, has followed that exact path. They are both super white and toothy and dangerous football minds. I'm not saying Matt will do as well as Peyter. Manning's body of work is untouchable. Though I will say with confidence, this is the last year that Matt Ryan will escape the first round of you fantasy draft...or, if you've gotten you shit together, he'll be a 25% of your budget prospect. If he doesn't play all 16 games, pass for 4000+ yards, and make the playoffs, I'll hire Mike Smith...who is not the guy. He's the Mora to Peyton's Dungy. And to revisit this flimsy and protracted analogy, I don't think he'll win that playoff game.
Yes. Peyton got his. It was an Odyssean effort, and Super Bowl XLI is no great American classic. Look, my guy is the realness, but the Colts have lost seven of their first round playoff games under Peyter in eleven attempts. I'm not saying anything, but I'm just saying. Right now Ryan seems to be of that same make. They are football mortals. They represent the best of the game, but that are bound to their flaws. It's a beautiful dynamic. All those years I referred to Peyton Manning as the poor man's Y.A. Tittle, it wasn't a dig that he lacked a championship. It's that he was a hard worker and tough leader...without a championship. It's not your time yet Matthew Ryan. I need to see you throw away a couple of 13-3 seasons first. But someday, when you're all growns up, you can be as human as YA Tittle, too.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I've been trying to put together a rational idea for why I love this team so much, but that's what it is. It's irrational. They are the new badasses of NFL High School. The Steelers and Ravens are just scary and mean. The Pats are total snobs, and I'm not into that shit. The Colts are down, but I don't wanna spend all of my time in the FFA parking lot. The Raiders are like those weird skeevy dudes you score shit from, but that's not...that's not a true friend. The Cowboys are like the worst of the douche bag rich kids, but, uh....five Super Bowls, bitches. The Buccaneers? They're the lost boys from Hook, and I wish I could be their friend.
Josh Freeman, total Rufio, is the leader of this rag-tag bunch of kids out to challenge the old guard. They're scoring touchdowns. They're winning games. They just don't give. a. fuck. The Buccs laid bets on an unsafe number of risky prospects, including 34 year old head coach Raheem Morris, and got paid out in platinum bricks of swag. The first year was brutal. Now, they have a badass tree fort filled with swashbucklers. Tampa went from a three win season to a ten win season and still missed the playoffs. Raheem Morris calls the condition "Yongry".
It took a couple of clicks to find, and I know it's like four minutes long, but this clip embodies everything I want to say about the Bucc's season this year. It's something about high expectations, invisible food, a little imagination, and becoming a better person...but to be honest, part of me just hopes this is what meal time is like in Tampa every night. Bangarang!
Carolina Panthers
Two high draft picks in as many years used on quarterbacks. A new coach who learned the 3-4 from Wade Phillips and came out Norv Turner's coaching tree. An owner, one of the most powerful in the NFL, who will do anything to help himself win and almost nothing to help his team win. It's starting to read like the voice over to this fall's madcap yet feel good sports movie, but I don't think a cardboard cut-out of a naked Jerry Richardson is enough to pull this shit sandwich together.
Cam Newton is not smart enough to figure out how to make his gifts work in the NFL. Being an athletic freak is simply not enough. In fact, Vince Young's zombified football corpse does a ten-part lecture series on the topic at Philly's community college. Ron Rivera is a hack. His most famous pupil was outed as a juicer whose talent disappeared in lock step with each future drug test. Jerry Richardson feasted for years on the chicken salad that John Fox and Matt Delhomme made from chicken shit. Now, he's scrambling to find a "get" and it makes me wonder if he's handed down the decision to start Cam Newton just to put asses in seats.
I'd be satisfied to wish for the worst in Carolina this year, but my heart breaks for Steve Smith. He's a wonderful talent and hard worker and the sort of hopeless head case that makes my heart whimper. I wish he could find a better day, or that the Panthers would end their ceaseless punishment for his hard work and release him, but that's not how this story goes. It'll be one more wasted year in Carolina, and somewhere, James Taylor plays a song that my beloved Steve Smith would cry himself to sleep to every night. And not in a good way, in that like ironic/suicide note way.
NFC West:
I'll do ten thoughts and no more because I hate this division with my whole heart.
1) The Rams shit the bed less than everyone else this season adn win the division. Congrats. Also, "shit the bed less than everyone else," should be the phrase on the NFC West's family crest.
2) I can't believe the Eagles got to pull the old bait-and-Cassel on the Cards. Sure, Kevin Kolb was one auspicious start away from his first auspicious start, but Michael Vick was a revelation, so surely he's a blue chip. That logic is air tight.
3) I think Sam Bradford is a hot house flower. You look in his past, and when the lights shine bright, this tulip is wiltin'.
4) Seattle and San Francisco know they both can't have Andrew Luck, right?
5) I mean...but Tavaris Jackson and Alex Smith. What the f*ck is that? It has to be against the rules to try and lose on purpose.
6) Danny Amendola! A division is only as good as it's shiftiest shifty white guy. Congrats NFC West, you've taken one step in the right direction.
7) $21 Million for a sixth year running back who has played one complete season in his entire career is like wifing a 20,000 scene pornstar and then insisting she decides the terms of the pre-nup. I swear, the 49ers are breaking there necks to be the worst team in the NFL. Don't over sell it, we want to try to not believe it's true.
8) You wanna know how much TV I watch? SJax has a Dick's Sporting Goods commercial that totally rips an idea from a local grocery store ad starring Tim Duncan. I won't link to it because I'm embarrassed that I know this, but you know....it's the NFC West the rest of the way out...I've gotta find something to talk about.
9) Or the number of wins the division champion might aspire to this year, a lofty aspiration it is indeed, but more realistically, the number of losses the division champ can have and still make the playoffs.
10) L Fitz got paid! Enjoy being the best player in the worst division for the next five years. And who says there are no moral victories?
All that being said, it's still football time and not even the NFC West can take that away from us. Grab your friends, ignore your families, drink before Noon. Life is worth living again, and I don't want Bart Scott's image management people to come after me, but I can't wait. Happy football everyone!
