...as Fuck

Of all the turns of phrase the English language lends itself to, the ones where adjectives are modified with profanity represent our heights. The leggy brunette with her stupid tattoos who is, "hot as balls." The tasty pork buns from the one place that are, "tasty as shit." The 'unmixed' demo of your boss's band that "literally sounds like ass...like I rubbed my asshole on a bunch of guitars and microphones." There is a certain magic these humble adjectives entwined in lewd congress with curse words weave. Cuss words, in all of their base glory, are so adaptable. The right swear word with the right adjective, and the crumminess of shit--you know, feces--illuminates like a prism shot with a beam of white light.

I love swears. I can still remember the summer of '93 when my oldest brother rented  a copy of Reservoir Dogs. It was like the f-word had been snuck out of Olympus inside a giant fennel stalk, and delivered to me as a life saving gift. Oh, so much cussing that summer. There was no f'able stone left un-f'd. It was a dangerous tryst, but what began so hot heavy solidified into probably the third or fourth most meaningful relationship I have in my life.

The f-word, crown prince of bad words, can be custom fit into any part of speech. The nice hard "f" sound at the top can be meted out like a burning fuse. The "u", so guttural, echoes inside your chest as the heart of the word spills out into a world that can just go f itself. Completed with the "ck",  the word clips, like a gunshot, to punctuate the many moods of f-dom.

The f-word--of such lofty status in the swear word cannon--hardly needs someone to champion her merits. But after some intense introspection, I think the f-word (scientifically speaking) is the perfected catalyst in the "something as cuss word" formula.

At its core, fuck is one thing: sex. It's technically a subset, as there is a keen difference between "we had sex," and "I got my fuck on," but it remains the oldest and purest human act. And by pure, not "nice", but it's the centerpiece of our existence. It's the act, in the thick of coitus, which transcends niceties/barriers/gender/cultural identities humans have spent thousands of years erecting (heh...). Sex is pure humanity, and within this wide spectrum of all human-ness, the similes are damn near grunted out during the act itself.

I agree, "...as shit," "...as ass," "...as hell," can pinpoint specific moments with a finer accuracy, but the f-word is malleable beyond these other words limited practicality. Look, I'm a man of swampy grundle, but even mid-July, my balls might belie the hotness of our aforementioned brunette (really...stupidest tattoos you've ever seen). Shit is not tasty. I mean, poop may be your bag, but I'm hard pressed to believe it's a flavor thing as much as it is a joy of debasement thing. Sounding like ass works, but aren't toots really doing all the work? Ass cheeks do flutter, but internal chemistry and the embouchure of your winker have a lot to say in the matter. And so we're clear, this demo was terrible. Unlistenable.

So we're left with old man "...as fuck." So simple, so elegant, and so far reaching. Because if a person has had a slate of sexual experience worth its salt, the line between gettin' carnal and every other feeling you've ever had ever is gossamer thin.

Furious as...
Charming as...
Slippery as...
Hilarious as...
Early as...
Nasty as...
Hateful as...
(This one time, I had this employee, and she was the brattiest, most entitled, malingerer you've ever met. I swear, if I heard her mention her year abroad one more time, I was gonna call my girls cousins to come beat her up. Anyway, she got fired, and like a week later she sent me a text that read" Hey, wanna play 'boss and employee' later?" To which I responded "It'll give you a whole new definition of being held down by the man.")
Stinky as...
Weird as...
Pathetic as...
Humid as...
Yummy as...
Painful as...
(I used to sell shoes with this old hippie, and he told me this story about how he was smashing on some little thick girl back in the day. She's on top, right, and her undulations were so intense, he slipped out and she broke his dong on the down thrust. He had to get an inflatable penal implant. To this day, guy still has to get worked over like a pair of Reebok Pumps.)
Hungry as...
Obnoxious as...
Scary as...
Dumb as...
Sweaty as...
Noisy as...
Tired as...

The end, as...