J____ F____ F____ III

Nah, I don't have any kids. I've been married a few times, and one wife had a couple of abortions, but nah,  no kids.

A deep auburn hue, a salt washed seaside shack painted over with the same color again and again, he wore glasses. Or, if you searched your memory, he'd have glasses. Thin wire frames, squarish, disappearing into a basin of sun eroded wrinkles, his iron blue eyes at the center. They always smiled. Hair, tight waves, not quite salt and pepper, but a once perfect picture crowded with static. His manner of speaking lived where North Jersey alleyways meet Florida beaches, sentences round in the middle and wincing at the end.

I was seeing this one girl for three, four years, and I asked her to marry me, but she said no. I'm not the doctor, lawyer, but her family wanted a guy that was ready to go. And so we broke up. And after we broke up, I decided I wasn't going to live for anybody else, you know. Live to any one else's (he held his hand into the air, the high water mark of everyone else's expectations)

Then, a while later, I go on this cruise ship, and I meet this girl. We're drinking, partying, and we talk about how romantic it would be to get married on a cruise ship. So, this is day five, and she says yes. So we go talk to the captain, and he says he can't do it because he doesn't know if we're married to anyone else in the States or there's blood work that has to be done. So, anyway, we get off the ship and she says, "So, what, you don't wanna marry me anymore?"

So we go to the Justice of the Peace. Well, we go see my parents who live in the Tampa area and she has grandparents who live like two minutes away. So we get married, and--we're great friends to this day, she's a great gal--but we were off and on for three years and that's why she had the abortions. But we're still great friends.

Then I was married to this girl for 11 years. She had a tubular pregnancy and they...

"A what kind of pregnancy?"

A tubular pregnancy, it was in the tube instead of the, (he motioned toward his nonexistent womb) so they had to take it out. Her other tube was bad, and so she couldn't have kids. So I broke up with her. I was, you know, being a fucking asshole. I took it to an extreme and I really regret that. I was feeling a lot of pressure, my father was dying of cancer, and my name is J___ F___ F____ III, so I was feeling a lot of pressure to pass on the name, and I broke up with her. Everyone, all my friends were like, "You're crazy! If you think we're not gonna be friends with Tanya anymore, you're crazy." Life long friends! Everyone loved her, she was a great person, and I...I just really regret that one.

Then I met this other girl, we were just seeing each other every other weekend, you know, partying, and she couldn't get pregnant. Then, three months later (he squatted into a shrug), she gets pregnant. So I decide, look,  lets get married, lets have a legal child, a legitimate child, and  I moved up there. She was living in Panama City, and so I move up there, and she's a total alcoholic. Every night, drunk, smoking, and she won't give it up for the baby. After a few months, I'm like, I can't do this. I tell her I'm gonna stay living in the area and help raise the kid and everything, and then she loses the baby. So, that was it.

And that's it. I don't feel anymore pressure to pass on the name, so I'm okay with not having a kid.

"We'll, that's the funny, or interesting thing about being a guy; we're fertile until the day they put us in the ground. As long as (I pointed at my crotch) this guy still works, anyway."

Nah, I'm okay with it. I'm 58, my girlfriend is 55, it's just, I'm not supposed to have a kid. But this girl I'm with now, she's a wonderful person. Drinks a little socially, doesn't smoke, doesn't have any bad habits, works. She contributes. She's a wonderful person.

"I hope you tell her that."

I do. I tell her I love her. She was worried I was taking this trip looking for someone else, but that's not it. At home I was starting to feel a little depressed. I don't know why, I have a wonderful life, but we were, (he stretches space between his hands) we were starting to get distant. But this trip has been really good for my disposition. I tell her I love her. And I miss her. I really miss her. This trip has been good for us. And she's, you know, she's a really good person. Things are gonna be different from now on.